apparently the secret to your success is patron
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
