I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
