why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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