at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
