Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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