you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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