Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
