why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
