Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
