She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
