who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
