My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
