Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
