i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
