also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
