The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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