If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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