just come out here and I will go home with you...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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