pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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