Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
