is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
