I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
