I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
