I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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