He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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