what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
