I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
