so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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