a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
