I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
