I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
