I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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