You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Shame - the story of my life.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
