why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
