wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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