And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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