i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
soo... how was my night?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
