I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
