OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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