your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
