Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
