This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
