i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
