Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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