A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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