Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
