Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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