I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
