So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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