And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
