My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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