so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
